Love is one of those things…..it’s amazing when it’s mutual and a terrible inconvenience when it’s not. It’s one of those things that we will always question and an art that will never quite be perfected. Who’s to say how many people we can fall for in a life time? Why let someone else define what we should feel and whether or not we feel it? Being in love….in my opinion, is one of the most wonderful and horrible things I have ever experienced. Being in love allows us to become vulnerable…doing things we wouldn’t normally do….Trying harder than we are accustomed to…Crying more than we thought we would…staying through the ups and the downs because we want to…not as an obligation. Holding on because it hurts much more to let go.

For those persons who haven’t fallen in love…who can let go… If you can move forward without your heart hurting…If her presence doesn’t change your mood…if you don’t miss her everytime she’s away and kiss her like it might be the last…be happy. Rejoice a little in the fact that you’re missing out on this amazing, tragic phenomenon. And I hope it sort of echoes a bit…repeat in in the back of your membrane daily. be glad you’re lacking that love….glad you’re not in love.

I am so TIRED

of opening up my heart so that you can reopen closed sores.

Reopening locked doors only to find that you’re on the same bullshit as the ones before.

You sit around being nonchalant, not giving a damn so I put up a front.

Never will you see me cry because, you see,  I knew this would be transient.

I asked you to be patient because it’s easier for me to let go when there’s no relationship to hold on to.

Silly me…thinking this could be something when you weren’t very into it  to begin with.

I keep

expecting you step down off your fucking high horse

but instead I find myself being trampled.

Sitting here being stupid,

my damn heart is hurting because I thought you might be worth it.

You sit around acting like a child,

pouting when things don’t go your way…

Oh so you’re mad? …because I don’t move when you move…girl FALL BACK!

And this is the part where it all fades to black.

I’m trying to please you and you’re trying to please self too.

Paying attention only to your selfish emotions.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow me to suffer again.

So you can be “nonchalant” all you want.

Your arrogance will definitely be the end of this.

And honestly I don’t know if there’s any mending this.

Maybe you need a different kind of girl…maybe it’s the distance.

In any case, it’s obvious you can’t cope with

what this is at the moment

and maybe it’d be best if we just called it quits right now

Instead of hating you later…instead of making this hard

I’d rather remember you as “that one summer fling”

That one summer thing…That one girl this summer…

My summer lover.

I’d love to give you my heart…if only it had not shattered.
If I pick it up and place it in your hands
will you hold it?
Can you put it back together?
And even if you can…
do you understand that it’ll never quite be whole again?
Like a glass shattered and reassembled – there will always be tiny cracks.
There will always be some small piece that you cannot recover.
Can you live with that?

If I write my thoughts on the walls of your mind…
If I allow myself to trust….within you – to confide.
Can you handle that?
When the tears start to fall and the reason is unknown
will you still hold me until they stop?
If I’d rather stand behind you as opposed to in front…
Will you accept that?
And if I love you wholeheartedly…
Will you be brave enough to love me back?

As much as I’d like to pretend it doesn’t still hurt…it does; as much as I’d like to move forward…I can’t. The irony in this situation is that I’m not hurting because it’s over. I’m hurting because I don’t know how to move forward. I never imagined being so broken that I didn’t know how to piece myself back together. I’ve never had a problem with picking myself up and dusting myself off. I’ve become numb to everything and like an arm when you’ve slept on it too long…my heart is limp. What exactly do you do when it hurts to love? When instead of being excited at the thought of caring…you become afraid. My heart used to jump at the opportunity to love. I used to be willing to give myself to love and now as much as I’d like to… I find myself hesitant. When she makes me happy, it makes me sad. While my outer being smiles, my insides weep and I can’t control it.

Somewhere along the way…we forgot to cover a few bases. We neglected one too many rules. So wrapped up in being patient we somehow omitted the basics. I find myself wanting you…wanting things but not knowing exactly what to do. Please don’t think that I think of you any less or that I have lost interest. I’m just never quite sure of the right way to express…and I know I say actions speak louder than words and you used to say just the opposite but I find that when it comes to my affection your opinion is changing…I’m not afraid to love you…I’m not even afraid to be hurt by you…but I’d rather not be. I know it can’t be perfect…but I’d like for it to be a most perfect imperfection. A part of me doesn’t know how to let you in…Consciously I’m open to whatever you have to offer but my subconscious oftentimes gets in the way of that…I could go on and on but let me just tell you these few things.

If you want my hand…I’ll let you hold it.
I’m good in public…but better in private.
Hug me and I’ll hug you back.
Must I reiterate it…I’m S H Y. in every possible way.
Show me that you want me and I will definitely show you how much I want you too.
If you lead, I will follow you.
I will show you love as long as you’ll open your heart to me.

I can see where this is headed…

the beginning of an ending.

a tale too sweet to fit my long line of bad beginnings and worse endings

so I’m all but surprised.

Just a little sad…I would have liked to believe otherwise.

Reasons why I move slow…

with each passing day we grow a little more comfortable in our roles.

The one you are playing is not enough.

The effort you put forth is not sufficient.

And every time we talk..I leave a little less satisfied.

I would argue…but what would that prove…

I would fight…but you’re not mine to lose.

I’d like to walk away…but I think I’d run right back to you.

And honestly, if I stay, what more have I to lose?

My heart’s already broken, my love has been abused.

So what could it really hurt…me running back to you?

Or maybe I’ll be by myself.

Only I can love me right.

Only I can pay me attention.

Only I will be holding me tonight.

Just a thought…a most puzzling situation.

Nothing is perfect…and I’ve never expected perfection.

I expect imperfection. After all …we are only human.

But are you, my dear, are your imperfections worth my affection?

Tell me you’ll make this all worthwhile…

Reconcile.

all the things I say,

and all the things I do

have never been right since I began to drift with you.

Writing with no scheme, no concept, no structure…

simply meaning.

An outlet for my inner being.

No beginning and no end.

Commas replaced by periods,

only verbs where nouns should have preceded

incomplete thoughts and minced words.

Looking for the correct way to say the things that tie my tongue

daily.

It’s a shame,

such a mess

that I’ve become so completely distressed

and in an effort to explain my obsession -

your impetuous caress – passionate,violent strokes to my heart.

I’ve only managed to become more

and more

and even more than before

poetically incorrect.

If I were the sky she would be every star.

She adorns me…perfectly,

but only in the darkness of the night.

When there is light she disappears

I have limited time to hold her.

Transient is the time when I can admire her beauty

Ephemeral are the moments when her music graces my ear.

Never understanding why it hurts my heart each time she fades away…

Perhaps I’m too possessive but still I long to possess you.

I fear another may grab your attention,

Afraid some other could possess what I long to have.

Maybe I need too much attention, but I still want all of yours.

Every thought leads back to you and how when your eyes meet mine our two worlds collide

And as I glance away I smile at the silent confirmations of you and I.

It’s possible that I am afraid, and haven’t I every right to be?

When my heart is repeatedly shattered and I’ve thrown away the key?

Perchance, my thoughts are occupied  by the soft caress of your essence.

My lips ablaze with memories of your kiss;

upon my neck a reminder of your lips.

Of all the things I cannot readily admit, I will say this:

Without a doubt I see you in my dreams,

Definitely, I long to sleep…so that I can see you here with me.

****Ughh. lately writer’s block has been killing. Oh well. It’s 4:12am. I should definitely catch some z’s.

and every thought of her turns into one of us.

constantly I smile because even on a bad day her essence won’t let me frown.

and always when I write of her there’s no distinctive end.

My sentences start with and or because,

because with her I’m not sure where to begin.

Or where this began.

But all the while I’m hoping it doesn’t end.

And what’s amazing is that it hasn’t really started.

I know that if I happen to fall…she’d catch me and I her

And to my delight, we’re not falling fast.

Logically love must be patient in order to be effective.

To “fall in love” implies that you must fall.

And if you must fall,

Physics tells us that it would be to your advantage to fall slowly.

Falling quickly only makes for a painful landing

While drifting slowly gives us an opportunity to land properly.

And I could go on for hours, rattling on about my love nonsense and the beauty that radiates from this woman that I will call my own

but,

I digress.

and no, this is not a poem.  so don’t critique it as such. Oftentimes I simply have random thoughts…and instead of allowing them to drown me…I write. For my sanity, if you will.