How often do you cry? Tears are such stupid things….falling at all the wrong times. What is their purpose? Except to show an emotion that you’d probably be much better off hiding….I hate crying…but it is something I have come to know well. Something I do more often than I’d like. Like now….sitting alone in this dark room…I’m allowing the tears to flow freely as they’ve been struggling to do all day. I’ve been holding them back…hoping that if I don’t allow them to come forth…just maybe I’ll forget they were trying to come…just maybe I won’t feel this way anymore…She doesn’t understand….and I’m not really sure she cares to know why my feelings are always so hurt….fuck. Why do people associate tears with weakness? Am I weak because she breaks my heart and that causes me pain? Maybe I am…maybe tears do signify weakness…because I am quite clearly weak for her. I just can’t help myself. Her body calls to me as if we were destined to be yet she pushes me away as if I were some plague that should never be allowed in.  I stay…because sometimes…or in this instance, I choose to believe that this is where I should be. Why else would her body call out to me? Why else would we fit so perfectly together? Why? Why if it is not indeed meant to be? I’m stopping the tears…I’m tired of allowing her to see my weakness. Maybe that was my mistake.  Showing her how she gets to me and how complicated my life becomes without her…because I damn sure don’t see how me being in hers makes any difference. Is that why I really stay? Do we tend to go harder for those who seemingly care less about us?  Maybe I’m onto something….I keep thinking…why is it so hard for me to walk out the door? Every time I make up my mind to leave her alone…something keeps me here. It is always the absence of her presence that allows me to make that decision. Whenever she is around…I find a reason worth staying….but does she see the same in me? Oftentimes we fight about the smallest things and she gets angry because we shouldn’t and I completely agree but maybe for different reasons.

Is it just me who feels this way? Is it really just me? Do all older women act this way? Or is she really just not that into me? If you love someone…are there not certain things that you just do? She’s right…I shouldn’t be angry about not knowing where she’s at or where she’s going…because there should not be an instance in which I don’t know….we shouldn’t argue about who she’s talking to because…why wouldn’t I know? I make every effort to include her in every part of my life…not because she asks, but because I never want her to feel like there is anything she doesn’t know or that I have to hide. But she doesn’t feel the same….is it possible to love someone…be in love with someone and still act like you’re alone in the world? Does love not come with some feelings that make you do all the things you should do? Am I imagining all of this? Is it me?

She lies in bed….texting…talking….playing phone games as usual…when I am here. Hurting…writing…debating…..and still…she says nothing. No apology, no discussion….nothing. Could this really be love? I know that love is not perfect…I know that anything worth having is worth fighting for…but how imperfect can love be? How long do you fight before it’s time to give up? The people who took the time to think up those timeless quotes should’ve taken a little more time to answer the questions surrounding them….

And again I am finding it hard to breathe….tasting the iron from the blood rupturing within my mouth from biting my tongue too hard….holding back more tears. Tears are such stupid things….stupid fucking tears. The epitome of all of my problems…that is if you subtract the girl who does not love me and refuses to see how much I love her. Yepp…stupid fucking tears.