She says that we can’t be because of my supposed, “internet addiction.” What do I say to that? When I gave it all up she walked out on me and left me crying and alone on more than a few occasions. She doesn’t see what the internet…my blog, twitter…all of this shit does for me. I use it as an outlet…it allows me to show less concern….to cry less…to feel less. When I concern myself with the thoughts of others…when I allow my writing to consume me or the writings of others to blanket my thoughts, it makes this all easier to deal with.

“why don’t you just talk on the phone like normal people?”

How many of my friends want to listen to me talk about the same heartache that they believe I’d be better off without? And even when I’m not talking about it they can sense my unhappiness. Everyone of them believes that I could do so much better, and honestly I’m sure I DESERVE better but… the simple fact that some part of me doesn’t want to let you go kills any desire to leave. As horrible as you are, I love you.

I tend to try and hide my emotions from others…I’m not used to wearing my heart on my sleeve…but with you, I can’t help it. Every emotion tugs at me and as much as I try to hold them in, they always win. I’ve made list after list and although on paper the bad by far outweighs the good my love for you seems to be the only good I need.

I’ve held on for so long to the addiction that is you that I don’t know what to do without it. I don’t know how to break it. I don’t even remember what I did before it existed. When you’re away…all of my thoughts are interrupted by memories of you. When you leave…I always want you back, somehow believing that you’ll love me, that it’ll all be okay. Of course it never is. You keep saying you’re ready to love but how can you be? You wake up every morning and have eight different conversations before even acknowledging my presence. You call me an “internet whore” although I’ve given you the opportunity, on more than one occasion to have all of my passwords but you refuse…mainly because you’re afraid I’ll ask for yours.

“You gave it up before! Why can’t you just do it again?!”

It’s not even that I can’t….more like I won’t. As much as I want us to work, I don’t believe that me giving up a small part of my sanity is the answer. When I gave it all up, you put me into a depression I haven’t seen since I lost my closest friend. So why can’t you change? Is it too much to ask that you show me that you’re ready for love?

Erghh. I could go on for days. Months even…I wish to God you would just disappear.