I knew she was cheatin cuz I smelled it on her fingers.

She came home with her face smelling like dial soap…

No pussy on her breath…she was way too smart for that.

She tried her best to destroy all the evidence.

No messages in her phone…

Never brought them home

Only spoke with them when she knew she was alone.

..but I knew all along.

Every night she came home…never disheveled in appearance

always smiling and giving kisses

and I’d always start the night the same.

A kiss on the cheek and one to her palm.

And then I’d kiss her fingertips and inhale deeply to catch a whiff of what she could not hide.

A hand carefully washed, for she thought she was a pro

but beneath the tiny fingernails was something she could not deny.

A scent that would not die.

And every night I knew…I never said a thing.

I smelled pussy on her fingertips..beneath her tiny nails.

And never did I say a word of how I always knew.

I continued to kiss her palm and she continued to lie too.

Different pussy came and went, and I knew just where she’d been.

The day I left her life for good, she asked me how I knew…

I lifted her palm to my lips and gave it one last kiss.

I lifted her fingers to her nose and said “How could you hide this?”

With a racing heart and a fallen jaw, she retreated to her room.

And of all the things she could have said, she said simply “I was a fool.”

It really is beautiful…I can’t say too much about my trip…I have my reasons. It was ok though. I saw a lot more penis than vagina but it was an okay trip. Just being in Miami and getting away from everything in Montgomery was enough for me. Ehh. I really don’t have much to say…though I am definitely feeling some type of way. I…ugh…idk. I always want what I can’t have, I always get what I don’t ask for and I always settle instead of fighting for more….my ex is…around. Actually she wants there to be an “us” again. I guess now that she’s been with the rest she sees that I really was the best. I don’t want to go backwards…but a part of me doesn’t see why I shouldn’t. Then another part of me looks forward to what a future without her has to offer. *BIG SIGH* I just wanna be young and worry-free. Somebody help me…PLEASE.

Oh. The picture above is my tattoo. It was taken in Miami by the friend that I accompanied. 3 hearts behind my left ear….they symbolize my 3 loves : to write, to perform, and to love..behind my left ear because my left side is dominate…blah-de-blah. you get the point.

Where are you headed? Trying to get something for nothing.
If you don’t have anything…haven’t worked for anything…didn’t earn anything…just where the hell do you think you’re going?

I’m not deep. Unless your depth is less than 3 feet. For you I am an ocean. To the ignorant I am a sea of knowledge. An abundance of intelligence waiting to be unraveled. But to the vast majority whose knowledge expands to the 5 feet and beyond…I am nothing. But why can’t I be nothing? What if I LIKE being nothing at all? I’m really not trying to be deep. To be “deep” you must be misunderstood because deep and misunderstood are perfectly synonymous. How many “deep” things do you truly understand? I’d much rather be understood by the masses than revered because they don’t understand shit I say. But that is simply my personal opinion.

Why are you trying to love me? When it’s so clear that we cannot be? If I already make you unhappy and you get on my last damn nerve. Why are trying to capture me? There are plenty more fish in the sea.

Love reminds me of a growing child…sort of. You can’t expect to love or be loved by one person while you or they are still rapidly growing…that is like expecting a growing child to wear the same size clothing. It just doesn’t work that way. SO find someone growing at your pace…that fits your style….Or wait until you’re not growing quite so rapidly and your tastes have settled. Only then can you expect to find someone that fits you.

Something is wrong with me. I mean…lots of things are wrong with me like:

• I wear my heart on my sleeve
• I’m stubborn
• I over-analyze everything.

…
you get the picture. But…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I mean, I handle other people’s emotions well.
I’ve heard I give great advice…but ME. I don’t know what the heck to do about me. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all…but when I have reasons…I can’t seem to cry. I’m a wreck over things that don’t mean anything..but when something truly devastating happens..I can’t seem to find a tear. And I end up feeling guilty…because I can’t cry…because all I could do was hold my breath until the room began to spin but never did a tear fall. And they never do. Never at the right time but always at the wrong ones. *shaking my head profusely* I am insane. That is my diagnosis of myself. And I’m right…because I’m always right. And one more thing. Not everything that is “misunderstood” is deep…I’m always misunderstood. and as aforementioned…I am no where near deep. Very shallow. Very shallow indeed. Okay…crazy is signing out. Time to head to the funeral home. *Big sigh* this too shall pass.

you’ve got me walking down every path but yours.
dates, & parties.
long days & sleepless nights.
and in the back of my head your voice ignites a flame I cannot seem to extinguish -
however hard I may try…
I don’t want a relationship..but I do want you.
I could never promise perfection but I could vow to try.
What do I do when all I think about is you…every thought somehow leads back to you.
like how the rivers find the sea…
and as much as I tell myself that I don’t want this…that I don’t want you
As crystal clear as it is that you’re not looking and if you were it wouldn’t be me…
I can’t seem to shake this feeling…these thoughts of you and me.
Constantly I find myself swallowing the words.
Trying not to say “I think of you”
Escaping the “I miss yous”
Swallowing every other word that seems to imply too much.
But still sometimes I stumble…every now and again I begin to trip
Intoxication causes my words to rush stupidly from my mouth.
I hear the things I’m saying but I just can’t seem to stop them.
I’ll forget the next day…and you….you won’t speak of it.
And the basis of every drunken slur, the question you can’t seem to answer…
Can I walk with you?
Let’s not give it a title. Can’t I just grow with you?
Don’t think too hard about it.
Just let me hold your hand. I’ll never expect more than you’re willing to offer.
Can’t I just walk with you?
What could possibly be so bad about two sets of footprints sifting through the sand?
Just let me walk with you. Let me show you that I can. that I will. that I’m willing.
May I?
Walk with you.

“Why Don’t You Love Me” – Beyoncé from Beyoncé on Vimeo.

OMG! Beyonce always gives me life and this is no exception. I am LOVING this video and it is most definitely on repeat for the rest of the day.
As soon as I figure out how to download it….uhh(for free…don’t tell) it will be her ringtone. hmphh. because I made me so damn easy to love….OHHHH yes. I am simply satisfied right now. hmmkay. No time to blog. I have to go make dance moves to “Why Don’t You Love Me.” oh…and study for my last three finals.

more perfect than I could accurately describe…this thing that’s not a thing at all. Just allow me to feel for you, allow me to want. Allow me to dream of you…be my untainted view. I’ll never have you and you’ll never long for me so why should I pass this by? A chance to have everything and nothing at the same time. I’ll never be hurt..for you’re not mine to keep, you’ll never have to worry, no obligations to my emotions. Hold me here for a while, let me wrap myself in your thoughts. What harm could it do when I’m not looking at all?

Often discombobulated…I can never quite find the words. Stuttering, stammering completely falling over my thoughts. For you I feel “some type of way” and with that I am okay. My emotions contradict themselves…not quite sure of what to say but they too are content…better yet HAPPY that way. Just let me be here until I fade…although you’ll dissipate first. we can make beautiful memories.

What’s wrong with having a fairytale? Can’t a girl dream? Can’t you be my prince(ss) charming? Shouldn’t I have my white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a life full of bliss? Or maybe we could travel…I’d like to see the world with you. Spend everyday exploring the country and every night entangled in you. Won’t you be the star of my dreams? Let me borrow you for a while…trap you with my kisses, entice you with my smile. Just for a moment, occupy my thoughts.

Tell me…just tell me, what if this could be true? If you could care about me and I could have you? If I were less content and you were ready to settle…if all we could see was us and noone else mattered. If our distance (in more ways than one) allowed us to be closer, could you see forever? Does it even matter?
No need to concern ourselves with the tiny “what if’s” Just let me borrow you for a while…blanket myself in your smiles. Let’s build something we can forget…just live in my moment. for a little while perhaps?

-Drunkenness causes my thoughts and my purpose to elude me in addition to a throbbing between my thighs. Forgive me for rambling on…it’s quite possible you won’t understand this…if you do…you’re good. I hate being at a loss for words. I meant to tell her…Oooh. there’s one thing that get’s me hot & bothered…and she does it unknowingly. Jesus just let me dream…let me keep dreaming. Let me sleep off this alcohol & keep on dreaming.

one of my favorite people that I don’t see often enough! I have no real purpose for writing right now. Just showing off one of my hot commodities. She’s pretty amazing. Even if she does make me angry all the time. I think we’ll have better study dates once she dumps her boyfriend and admits to herself that I’m the love of her life. No? yeah..probably not but…whatever.

maybe it’s best that you keep your distance…I’d hate for your voice to become an addiction – though I wouldn’t mind being addicted. calming my inner storms and causing me to forget…to neglect past regrets. Sweet amnesia-inducing undertones always turn my frowns upside down. The more you talk the harder I listen, hanging on to your every word. Keep going, don’t stop. I’d hate to fall from my mental high. Wrap me in your words; pleasure me with your thoughts. Appease me with the highs and lows of …wait. where’d you go? 432 thousand seconds ago I remember I heard your voice. Like music to my ears..a song that needs no tune. and now I’m waiting…anticipating…wondering if my favorite song will play. You know…like when you hear a new song on the radio and you really like it but you can’t find it anywhere…so you wait until it plays again..just…hoping you don’t miss it. I’m hoping I don’t miss it.

let your kisses confide within my hips
whisper your secrets around my thighs…
slowly let your tongue collide within the depths of my love.

within the depths of my love
write a letter of our love…side notes of our lust
p.s.’s of how good it was.

how good it was
coalesces with thoughts of how amazing this will be…
it’s no surprise you’ve got me

you’ve got me
face down, poised and pretty
my flower blooms, w e t with dew

w e t with dew.
a single drop escapes her
but nothing gets past you.

past you…
taste the nectar of my blooms
let your kisses confide within my lips

within my lips
whisper your secrets around my clit
slowly let your tongue provide ecstasy to my love.

Drunken stupor…
Stammering broken untruths.
I try to forget…but my mind won’t erase.
You don’t remember and I can’t bring myself to say…
It wouldn’t be fair…so I’ll swallow my thoughts.
Digest your words and release what is left.
The sweetest things you ever said, the sweetest lies you ever told
Your inebriated state won’t let your mind unfold.
When your intoxication precedes you, for future reference
I won’t answer – our agreement; your suggestion.