as quickly, as unexpectedly as this journey began..it ended. but it was to be expected.

One day someone is going to care about the sh*t I have to say. hmph. –>that is all.
it’s possible that my monthly curse is coming and I’m feeling some type of way…but whatever.
I took some ambien…now I’m fighting the urge to fall face first onto this keyboard. I’m going to go to bed. I would hate to have to bother my mom by busting my face on the floor if I happen to fall out of this chair.

& these damn birds….do birds sleep? wth do they have to chirp about right now?

You came to me….much like Chrisette’s epiphany
Suddenly and without forewarning,
striking me…
unsettling my settled news…
changing my royal blues to shades much closer to…
the ones that occupy the notes drifting away on the melody of a much sweeter song than the ones I used to play.

I can’t help but feel as if this isn’t real.
Looking you right in the eye
Looking through the looking glass
caressing your cheek but alas,
it is only through the looking glass.

*I think there was supposed to be more to this…I think it’s unfinished (like most of what I write) I would try to keep writing but when I “try” as opposed to just letting it roll off the top of my head…it usually ends even more cheesy than it already was. So I guess I’ll just let it be unfinished…as perhaps it should be. This journey has only just begun. There’s no need to rush to the end.

Today I feel absolutely amazing. I don’t want to spend an entire blog talking about what I’ve done today because my day, as always, will probably bore you to tears. BUT I’ve been smiling for the entire day…which doesn’t happen often. I am a great person! And I should have seen that a long time ago.

And she [a friend] doesn’t know how much I look forward to every conversation…every text…every skype moment…lol. The time we spend in each other’s company is always amazing. Even when we’re not saying much. It’s so strange how I feel so comfortable…i don’t know….Nothing is rushed…I don’t feel obligated to do anything…say anything…be anything except me.

Today I am naked. In more ways than one. I am flawed, but I am perfect. Flaws…tiny imperfections…make us beautiful and it’s strange how I can see that in everyone except me. But talking to her makes me see that I should change that. I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to please everyone except me; changing to suit everyone’s needs except mine. And now I must complete me. Thanks for helping me to see. I don’t know how long she will be around…or even if she feels any portion of the way I do but strangely, none of that matters. What matters is that you’re here now. thank you..

Just let me live…

Obligation free.

Just let me forget.

Let the nights not ever be long.

Singing “Emotional Rollercoaster” because..my emotions. UGH.

my heart hurts. And as much as I don’t want it to…the first sad tear is falling.

Why do I find myself missing something that was never good for me?

Craving someone who shouldn’t mean a thing.

This isn’t poetry.

I’d put it all together…but then it wouldn’t quite represent my scattered thoughts as well.

I find myself thinking..of you. When others are trying to occupy your space.

Why won’t my heart…

Just let me live. I’m pleading with it to let me forget..begging it to stop longing for you, to stop aching.

It always sneaks up on me… falls over me….envelopes me.

The dew over the grass in the early morning – you never see it coming…nonetheless, it is there.

I can’t…my heart…just let me forget.

*sigh* goodnight.

nawww. I’m not mingling. I’m…idk what I’m doing. I’m not looking for anything. SO I guess I’m open to everything EXCEPT love. Now that I’m closing my mind to until 2020 or something. I don’t have anything to say or anything to rant about today but here’s some random pics of me & ..my friend. Sometimes we like to play date. That’s okay…right?

I can play house with all the girls now. I’m SINGLEEEEE! I swear I’m gonna try to make this single thing last for a while this time. HELP ME. PLEASE. I’m known for ending up in relationships whether I want them or not. :-/ gotta stop that. mmkay homework perhaps? eckk. more later my loves.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes…
things change…
but everything really stays the same…
How situations…surroundings, and some people;
sort of like the seasons
they come and they go
and perhaps some of us represent the buildings.
Ever present, growing slightly older
but characteristics…they never fade.

Isn’t it funny how sometimes…
you realize that it is your season?
And as you steadily wait for that building to change
Still it remains the same.

Nothing stays the same…
but that building just won’t change.

And then it stops being funny.
Your season is ending; you try to prolong it…
but
eventually you will fade, and another season will take your place.

You, unlike the season can exhibit emotion.
Jealousy…RAGE.
because secretly you want to be the only season.
But nothing stays the same…only that building won’t change.

I’d much rather be a building.
Ever present, never changing.
But alas, I am only a season.
And it is most unfortunate that the season is changing.

Insanity constantly creeps closer
as I sit here
wallowing in my emotions.
An ocean of painful memories
one in which I am not floating.
Daily I wish that something would change
that I could forget
but instead the more time passes…
I continue to remember, and in consequence
the more I regret.
My heart often throbs
and I muffle the sobs
I don’t want to keep letting her hear me cry.
Tired of allowing her to see how I
am affected by her presence
She’s like a virus
and even in silence
she’s poison.
I’m choking
all I want is to spit it back up
vomit her out
but all I can do is swallow slowly.
And even as I swallow it’s all still here.
A lump in my throat, a pain in my chest
continuous unrest as I sit in distress
while she walks away
leaving me lonely.
Alone.
And all I want is to go home
but my name on this lease
is much like an inscription on a tombstone
……
blah.
to be continued.
or maybe i’ll just leave this all alone. :-/

type. delete. type. delete. type. pause. backspace. pause. delete. Each time I try to say just what I feel I start. stop. start. pause. stop. I’ve run out of words. But I feel like I need to speak..because I have yet to run out of tears. My heart has yet to run out of pain. I’m a firm believer in love and when I give someone my all, I stick around. Through the ups, downs..the thick & thins, the ins and outs. I have a habit of not letting go..when I probably should. But why let go if everyday without you is hell. And if every day with you is hell too….what do I do?

Sometimes the LGBT community really upsets me. And when it comes to labels…DING DING DING! They tend to really upset me. I don’t necessarily hate them. You can’t get past labels. They exist everywhere. People are black, people are white, people are straight, people are gay, etc. Labels are just descriptions and it is human nature to describe. Labels can even be helpful in cases where you want to refer to a distinct group of people or when you need to exclude a group etc. The problem that I have is the discrimination within the gay community that comes with labels. Commonly the terms femme and stud or ag (whatever! I don’t use any of them very often) are misconstrued and normally “studs” are ridiculed due to this. So let’s clear this up. Femme, Stud, Aggressive, blah, blah, blah, these are all terms to describe TRAITS and VERY LOOSELY appearance. But although “studs” generally dress/look more masculine than femmes this does not mean that a stud has to be manly. Who gave you that dumb idea? Just because she likes to wear a wrap instead of braids, dreads or a low-cut does not make her any less aggressive than the next stud. Just because she doesn’t want to wear her pants 3 sizes too big does not mean she’s not just as “studly” as the next stud.
[Okay maybe I do hate labels. If it were up to me we'd all just be lesbians- no other labels needed.]

But anyway what really IRKS me is the idea of some lesbians that it is not okay for two studs to date. !*&#*! Say what?! And recently I’ve heard some more ignorant ladies say that it’s okay for two femmes to have sex but not to date. *@^$^?! WHAT?! I really don’t even want to understand where these notions come from. How can you fight for the right to get married and the right to be looked at in the same light as straight couples but THEN turn right around and discriminate against people who are just like you?! That makes you a big ass hypocrite. That burns me up inside. Lesbians get your shit together. It’s NEVER wrong for two people to love each other. It doesn’t matter what they dress like, act like WHATEVER. You can’t ask for equality while you’re discriminating against someone else.